Wasted Chances
by Seosh
Summary: What happens if Rivkin had killed Tony instead... Angsty-ish. One-Shot


**Wasted Chances**

So I have always wondered what would've happen if Rivkin had killed Tony instead? Angsty! … Enjoy!

-Tiva!-

_**Tony is dead. **_

_**And it's not a nightmare.**_

_**The Anthony DiNozzo I have come to know…**_

_**And love…is dead.**_

_**And it's all my fault**__._

"How are you doing Ziva?" Michael's voice shook me back to reality. Fury rose in me, frustration and regret evident on my face as I stared at the man I had myself believe I could possibly… love.

He reached for my hand, a gesture to consolidate me; but I evaded his touch like a snake defending itself from its predator. I instinctively pulled back at him. _I loathed him._

"C'mon Ziva don't be like this," his disgusting voice spat my name, as he reached out and attempted to touch me a second time.

"Do not touch me," I hissed at him and rose from my seat in the emergency room.

I could not believe that I betrayed Tony and the team for this sad excuse of a man. I glared at him as I stood and made my way towards the door.

"Where are you going?" he smiled then continued, "look Ziva, it was going to be me or him… he was going to kill me". He glanced at me expectant to see sympathy. I marched up to him an empathetic look plastered on my face.

"That's more like it," he said smugly.

I kicked him to the ground, holding him firmly by his neck. His face slowly grew red as he struggled for air, trying to break free from my death grip.

_Ziva don't… it's not worth it. _Tony's voice echoed in my head.

I unwillingly let go of Michael's neck as I stared him down; disgusted. I continued my exit for the door as he looked at me horrified.

_I will not let myself be affected by such a man._

"Ziva! Look I'm sorry… but it was going to be me or him…" he persisted. He shuffled across the floor and spun me around as he grabbed my hand.

"I know it hurts…" he reached out and enveloped me in a hug.

_I will not break down. I will not allow the tears to fall. But I failed._

I broke down into tears. "Get away from me!" My weakened arms pushed him as hard as it could, with no result, he held me closer. I whacked him on the chest and demanded him to let me go.

Tears streamed down my face in shame. "Come near me again and I will not hesitate to kill you," I pushed him back, finally with success as I recovered from my minor break down.

He smirked at me, "Now don't be like that, Ziva" he chuckled as he raised his hand to my cheek.

I returned his smirk, as I withdrew my gun from its holster and forthe second time today, I knocked him to the ground, knee over his chest, gun pointed at his heart.

His eyes were filled with fear as his eyes glanced from my face to the gun at his chest; pleading "please… don't".

"You're such a coward! You drew your gun and attacked him while he stood defenseless intending no harm!" I shouted, "you saw a glass table and you pushed him onto it; he was impaled with shards of glass, gasping for air!" I fought back tears as I recalled last night.

***FlashBack***

_I stepped out of my car after just ended my call with Hadar; shadows of two men were evident through my apartment window, both shadows being pushed and pulled._

_I ran up to my apartment, I heard a loud smash as glass shattered followed by grunts. I opened the door to see Tony on the floor, glass shards embedded in his sides, blood rapidly soaked through his shirt as he grunted in pain._

_Michael's sickening face smirked, a gun in his hand. He hadn't noticed my presence in the room and hovered over Tony._

_Before I could react to the situation in front of me, a gun shot rang through the apartment. Everything stopped as I watch a life end before my eyes._

_And though I've taken so many lived with my own hands, the pain and guilt is not the same. Tony didn't deserve to die, not like this at least. Worse of all, I hadn't told him…_

_After what felt like eternity, I raced to Tony's side; no regards to the murderer behind me, staring at me._

_My hands pressed to Tony's wounds as the flow of blood began to increase. _

"_Hold on Tony!" I begged him as his innocent eyes began to droop, falling in and out of consciousness. His face was drained of his normal read to a ghostly white._

"_Call 911!" My voice shrilled through the silence of the apartment, Michael made no effort to dial for the ambulance._

_It was a kind elderly woman that had heard the gun shot and rushed for help._

_The ambulance arrived within minutes; Tony had slipped into unconsciousness. But there was a faint pulse still evident through his flushed skin._

_The rest of the events after Tony was rushed towards the hospital were a blur… until now._

"_I'm sorry, Ms David," I didn't bother to correct the doctor as I heard the words leave his mouth, "but we tried…" The doctor's voice was tuned out as I took in the information before me._

_***End of FlashBack***_

I left the hospital in a rush as tears streamed down my face. I ignored the team's questioning look after my argument with Michael. They were all in shock after finding out that Michael and I were involved, and the fact that I had withheld valuable information from them.

Gibbs had stared at me disappointedly before he left to grab more coffee, McGee avoided meeting my eyes as he sat there, shocked by both my secret and Tony's death. Ducky had apologized for everything that I was going through and left.

Abby had been the most upset, her happy and jumpy ways became those of the opposite. She kept her distance from me and made to move every time I entered the room. But who could blame her?

The ride home to my apartment felt like hours, guilt and regret flooded me in the silence of my car. Each step closer towards the "crime scene" more tears fell, as images of the previous night flashed back.

The door creaked open and I could smell the sweat and blood that were shed during last night's fight. The memories built up as I took in the sight before me.

_Shattered glass spread all over the floor. _

_Cabinet doors splintered in half. _

_Food and drinks spilled on the floor. _

_Pictures frames smashed on the ground. _

_Pools of blood soaked into the once pristine white carpet. _

The strong scent of death engulfed me, as I found myself on the boundaries of another break down. I turned towards the door and made my way towards the roof top to clear my head.

As I emerged on the roof top the chilly night breeze stung my cheeks and burned my throat as I inhaled, trying to stop the sobs. A small light at the corner of the small garden like area illuminated the darkness of the small patio.

I settled on the mossy brick wall that overlooked the city. Within moments rain began to sprinkle onto my face, which turned into a full out storm, as I sat there drenched in both rain and guilt. I could hear Tony's voice quoting a movie; I laughed.

"Why's" flooded my head as I sat in silence while the wind whistled and thunder crashed in the distance.

_Why didn't I realize before?_

_Why was I so stubborn that I couldn't face the fact that I was in love with him?_

_Why was I so afraid?_

And now it's too late. I had my chances and I threw them all away.

_When Gibbs' resigned and left; __**I could've.**_

_When he was healing from Jeanne; __**I could've.**_

_When Jenny died; __**I could've.**_

_When Vance broke us all up; __**I could've.**_

_All those times, __**I could've…**_

If I could go back and change things, I would in a heartbeat. Even if it meant quitting Mossad and NCIS to tell him I loved him.

_Love_. A very foreign word to my tongue, one that I never really got to feel until Tony.

In Mossad we were trained to not feel, because if you feel, you'll doubt. And when you doubt you'll die.

No one out of all my missions had me feel like this. Not even Michael effected my like that.

I guess Michael was just an excuse, a distraction… I never actually loved him enough to even consider a life with him. He was the only friend I had left from my childhood; I could not and would not believe that he would betray me. I guess I was wrong.

A smile graced my face as I remembered my first encounter with Tony. I chuckled as I realized from the start we had such a great bond. We would banter, but we would get along. We had developed our own way of communication without words, all we had to do was glance at the other and we'd both understood.

At the time we met Tony was still the immature play boy that would flaunt his one night stands; daily. But that changed as we got to know each other, our relationship changed which changed his views of the values and morals of dating and sleeping around.

And as the years passed, we experienced a range of ups and downs. Understanding each other more, we found the boundaries of pushing too far and just bordering the line. I remembered when Tony was undercover dating Jeanne, and when they broke apart. He'd fell apart too; I guess I crossed the line, trying to help him.

I chuckled as I reflected on everything we'd been through. How could I have been so blind to not see the attraction and tension between us?

I could not blame him for not making the first move; hell not only was there rule 12 to worry about, I'd scared him out of his skin threatening him with the different ways I could kill him.

He was just trying to look out for me and comfort me when times were bad or I was in potential trouble, like with Roy, Andrew and… Michael.

I guess I was afraid to admit it at first, or I had thought it was just lust… but in all honesty, it was an undeniable love, that I was too stubborn and scared to face.

And it wasn't until he was dead, that I realized my life revolved so much around him and that…

I can't live without him.

I need him…

-Fin-!

Hoped you liked it! Reviews would be greatly appreciated!


End file.
